While sitting in a soft, green chair in my West Village sublease one night, I start to feel the familiar pang of loneliness that I’d often felt while living in New York City, 10+ years ago.

Beyond long commutes and financial uncertainty, I believe one of the greatest stressors in New York City is the lack of social connection.

So, instead of addressing that, I just ask ChatGPT to tell me what my growth has looked like over the last few months.

I was curious why, given the ~$15k+ credit card debt, another $15k of business debt (and $250k+ in investments in my own projects that might as well be a write-off) unclear direction of my business and honestly even where I’m gonna be living in September, I still felt OK.

Here’s what it told me, and I quote:

If I drew it in a chart, it’d look like this:

 What it didn’t factor in is: 

1. The stress of moving back into New York City and all of the BS that comes along with that.

2. Lots of yelling back-and-forth with important people in my life (parents, siblings, partners) about stuff that we both suck at communicating about.

3. And, recently, my mom getting admitted to the hospital and having surgery because The Cancer’s Back, Baby!™️

So, a more accurate timeline would look like this:

So, plenty of moments on the phone with friends questioning why I moved into the city when it’s expensive and lonely; plenty of moments where I think I might just quit the work I’m doing and go live on a farm; and, of course, the inevitable specter of death just looming over a parental figure.

Just average. Normal. Life stuff, you know?

And yet, there’s growth. It’s happening.

But in the middle of all of that are a lot of moments of, “Holy s**t balls!” And plenty of moments of, “What am I doing with my life?!” and rarely ever any respite unless you sit down and clear your thoughts out and not think about how messed up it actually is.

It’s constant.

I think I’ve always thought or believed that growth, when I’m actively growing, well, it looks like one of those clinical graphs, you know?

The X is Time, the Y is How Awesome I Feel, and it just goes up like a hockey stick.

Yet, in the midst of all of that growth are plenty of moments of failure; of regression; of feeling like you’re an unlovable piece of garbage.

And then you meet someone cool, and it all turns around; or, you connect with someone who truly inspires you; or, you find a job where you don’t work that much and they pay you a ton of fucking money.

And that’s the beauty of change and growth — if we’re making a concerted effort to grow, it’s happening.

We just often don’t see it, except in the moments when we’re somewhere that we feel like we don’t belong; or with someone who we maybe have never dated before; or in an opportunity that feels like it might be way too good for us.

And the only reason we were able to attract those things is because we were working on it.

A few months ago, I started to consistently:

1. Plan out my goals.

2. Take action towards the things I wanted to do.

3. And clearly articulate the type of partner I wanted to be with.

Step 1 was heavily influenced and guided by my buddy Zach Bliss; two with the help of therapy and, uh, CONCERTA FOR ADHD, RAWR; and three with the support of a friend and psychiatrist and a little bit of mushroom-induced, yeah.

Here’s what that document looks like if you care to give it a looksie on Canva:

And if the answer is Yes — if you’ve done the emotional work to get to that place, then it goes, “OK, OK — then I think we can give you more.”

And it does that until you can’t handle it anymore.

And then it tests you.

The $250 Test, #SponsoredByCitibike.

I knocked someone’s side-mirror off their Mercedes while biking my Citi bike through Bed-Stuy the other week.

He was understandably pissed, but instead of going through any kinda proper channel ie police report, etc. — he doubled-down on insisting I just give him cash on the spot and even offered to walk me over to an ATM (generous!) with a few of his buddies.

I tried to negotiate him down; insist that I’d like to go through Lyft; extra insist that we should file a police report.

And he keeps going, “You’re on a bike, dude! My mirror’s not working. It’s $250.”

So, I think to myself — calmly — “What’s the right move to get outta here?”

And I Zelle his (aunt, I think?) $250 on the spot. A light shakedown, #SponsoredBy Citibike.

And yet, I felt OK, after it.

But I think it was also a bit of the universe being like, “Are you going to do the right thing, here? Even when it doesn’t feel great?”

And I believe that if you’re able to wade through the waters of stress and outrage without getting caught up in the maelstrom, the universe does reward you.

About a week or so later, I land a project that’ll yield about 10x that. Something that feels easy for me and made that $250 feel like a drop.

The $250 was symbolic.

It’s a test. It’s saying, “Hey, hey — I’m gonna throw some stuff at you and I wanna see if you’re ready for this.”

And if you are, you’ll be rewarded.

It’s those moments in-between where the real growth is happening, it just doesn’t feel good because the presentation is gnarly and it’s painful.

There’s lots of crying and yelling and wanting to throw yourself in front of a bus.

But then after a while and a LOT, LOT of work, you’ll see it, eventually.

It will feel weird and gross and you won’t like it but you’ll get used to it and then you’ll forget what you ever really looked or felt like before all of that.

If any of this hits, or if you’re building something and want to JAM OUT, reconnect, or explore working together, hit me up! 

I’m carving out space for the right projects, people, and conversations.

And vibes.

Let’s talk. Reply to this email, yah turkey!

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